Santa’s Big Secret

play by Elizabeth Klein , illustrated by Greg Holfeld

Characters

santa claus

mrs claus

brunden (head elf)

elves (as many as you want)

jiffly (an elf)

wopply (an elf)

crackles (head stable elf)

frank (gym advisor)

basile (the French cook)

serving girl

fairy godmother (FGM)

 

SCENE ONE

Santa Claus’s house. santa emerges from the bedroom. He is trying on his Santa suit, but he’s having trouble.

 

santa

I think they’ve shrunk my suit at the laundromat again!

mrs claus

That’s not shrinkage; that’s expansion! You can’t help yourself, can you? You just have to help yourself to an extra slice of pie when you think I’m not looking. Now see what’s happened? Your buttons have all popped off!

santa

I can’t help it if your pies are so delicious.

mrs claus

Don’t sweet-talk me. I’ve had to let your trousers out so far there are no more seams left on them. Your belt has so many holes, it looks like Swiss cheese! And when was the last time you could see how shiny your boots were?

santa

Now Mamma, don’t go getting flustered.

mrs claus

Flustered! Look who’s talking! You get puffed just climbing out of bed. Have you seen the reindeer lately? You know your weight is magically linked to theirs. The rate they’re gaining, they won’t be able to fly at all, let alone carry you and all those presents on Christmas Eve. We’ll have to get Parcel Post to deliver them all. And how much is all that going to cost? We’ll have to economise and cut down on the value of the presents this year.

santa

Now, now, Mamma. You know it’s going to be all right.

mrs claus

All right? That’s it, I’m putting my foot down! (Stamps foot.)

santa

Uh-oh!

mrs claus

Uh-oh indeed! I’m calling Frank—I mean Fronk.

santa

Please, not that fitness freak! Last time you called him, I ended up being half the man you married. Besides, I can’t understand a word he says.

 

SCENE TWO

Outside Santa’s house. brunden is talking to the sleigh builders.

 

brunden

Have you seen Santa’s belly lately? It wobbles even before he says ‘Ho, ho, ho’.

elves

(laughing)

brunden

So the new sleigh will need extra-strong reinforcement.

jiffly

(taking notes) Yes sir.

brunden

You’ll need to put on the heaviest springs so it can hold all the ... ah ... presents.

elves

(laughing)

brunden

This is serious! I heard them argue—I mean talking about it. The toy run is in danger. Mrs Claus is even talking about getting Frank—I mean Fronk—back on the job.

elves

(gasp)

wopply

Sir, we didn’t think it was that serious!

brunden

Serious! The cobblers are installing airbag suspension in Santa’s boots to stop him from cracking the floors when he comes in to inspect the toys.

(crackles enters, looking anxious.)

crackles

Sir, can I please talk to you? I can’t seem to stop the reindeer from eating.

brunden

(slaps his forehead) Rats! What next?

crackles

I’ve had to loosen all their harnesses. There’s so                   many holes in them, they look like—

brunden

(cuts in) Don’t tell me! They look like Swiss cheese.

crackles

How did you know that, sir?

brunden

Nothing gets past me. I’m the Head Elf, aren’t I?

crackles

Yes sir!

 

SCENE THREE

Back in Santa’s house. mrs claus is sitting, looking worried. frank walks in.

 

frank

You rong, Mrs Close?

mrs claus

I’m never wrong! Oh, hello Frank.

frank

How mony times must I tell you, my nome’s not Fronk; it’s Fronk!

mrs claus

Oh yes, well Frank ... Fronk ... whatever, we have a serious problem on our hands. Have you seen Santa lately? He’s twice the man I married and those reindeer look more like hippos with antlers! The whole toy run is in danger of being discontinued this year.

frank

Thot connot hoppon. I’ll get right on the cose.

mrs claus

You mean case.

frank

Yes, Mrs Close. Thot’s whert I sod.

mrs claus

Oh, right. You better get started. I’ll send Santa down to your studio right away.

frank

Thonk you, Mrs Close. (Exits.)

 

SCENE FOUR

frank’s studio. santa waddles in, accompanied by mrs claus.

 

frank

Good morning, Sonto.

santa

(rolls his eyes) Here we go!

frank

(waves to mrs claus) Thonk you. I will tok it from here. Now Sonto, let us see if you con terch your toes. (Waits) Ore you bending yet?

santa

(in a strained voice) Yeeesss!

frank

Hmm, I con see this will tok o lert of wok.

santa

(sighs) I was afraid you’d say that.

 

SCENE FIVE

The stables, some time later. mrs claus finds santa hiding in a stall, munching on some of her freshly-baked cookies.

 

mrs claus

(throws hands in the air) Oh, I give up!

santa

(under his breath) I wish you would.

mrs claus

I can see we need some drastic action. It’s diet time!

santa

Isn’t that die with a t on the end?

mrs claus

I’m only thinking of your health, Santa. And the children. You simply won’t get off the ground at this weight.

santa

Now, now, Mamma. Everything’s going to be all right.

mrs claus

I’m serious! (Yells) Brunden!

brunden

(hurries in) Yes, Mrs Claus.

mrs claus

We’re off to see Cook. Come on, Santa.

 

SCENE SIX

A cafeteria. mrs claus, cook and brunden are sitting at a table.

 

mrs claus

Cook, we’ve got a serious problem, or should I say Santa’s got a serious problem. He likes my pies and cookies too much. We’ve got to do something or Christmas won’t happen this year.

(All look at santa as he munches on another cookie.)

mrs claus

(shaking her head) See what I mean?

basile

Oui, madame. I am seeing what you mean. Basile has just the thing to curb zis naughty appetite. For entree, soupe of zee cabbage. For the main meal, soupe of zee onion. And for dessert, soupe of zee carrot. He will be his old self in no time at all. Now madame, leave him to me.

santa

See Mamma, everything’s going to be all right.

 

SCENE SEVEN

A dim café, later that day. A large cloaked figure enters.

 

santa

(to serving girl) I’ve been told you know how to get in contact with the Fairy Godmother.

serving girl

(leans close) She’s out the back, Big S.

santa

Ah ... thanks.

(santa walks out the back, where he sees the fairy godmother drinking a can of soft drink.)

fgm

Hello, Santa. I thought you’d be paying me a visit soon, since it’s almost Christmas Eve. I’d offer you a seat, but I doubt any could take the weight.

santa

Don’t be like that, Fairy Godmother.

fgm

Well, it’s just that I can see it’s been an exceptionally fine year of baking for Mrs Claus.

santa

Er, yes it has.

fgm

Now, tell me, would you like the same slimming potion I made for you last year? Or perhaps something a little stronger? (Turns to address the audience.) So, boys and girls, now you know Santa’s BIG secret. And remember, eat cakes and biscuits only in moderation because not everyone has a Fairy Godmother!

THE END