It’s Pirate Day!

play by Bill Condon , illustrated by Peter Cheong

Characters

Captain Scurvy Pirates Hanna Bob Polly Rufus Sam Kylie Mummsie
Captain Scurvy

Ahoy there, me hearties!

Pirates

Ahoy there, Captain Scurvy!

Captain Scurvy

Celebrate the best day of the year. It’s Pirate Day!

Pirates

Hurray!

Captain Scurvy

Let’s sing ‘The Pirate Song’!

Pirates

Pirates we are and pirates we’ll be,

whether on land or whether on sea.

We’re terribly bad, oh golly and gosh—

We don’t eat greens and we never ever wash.

HEY!

Captain Scurvy

This will be the best Pirate Day ever had. There’ll be sword fights and walk the plank games, and we’ll even play pin the tail on the parrot!

Polly

I can hardly wait, Captain. But first we need to have a serious talk.

Captain Scurvy

About what?

Polly

We need to change.

Captain Scurvy

Hogwash! Pirates never change! It’s been ten years since I even changed my socks!

(All the pirates cough and splutter and cover their noses.)

Pirates

We know, Captain.

Bob

But we still need to change the way we advertise for new recruits. If we don’t get them soon, there’ll be no pirates left.

Captain Scurvy

Are you saying there’s something wrong with the advertising slogan I slaved over for weeks and weeks?

Sam

Of course not, Captain. ‘Be a pirate—or else!’ is great, but …

Captain Scurvy

But what?

Kylie

We need to attract recruits by offering some little bonus … a gimmick. Something they can’t get anywhere else.

Captain Scurvy

I know just the thing. Buried treasure! There’ll always be pirates because everyone loves buried treasure.

Rufus

That’s true.

Captain Scurvy

And I just happen to have some here today. Best of all, I’m going to give it to you.

Pirates

Three cheers for Captain Scurvy!

(Pirates all cheer.)

Captain Scurvy

Today we celebrate all the great times we’ve had together.

Kylie

Attacked by cannibals.

Hanna

Being seasick every day for a year.

Bob

Swallowed by a whale.

Polly

Eating the cook’s porridge.

Captain Scurvy

Such fun! And now at last I can give you something back to thank you for being so loyal. (Holds up basket.) This buried treasure is all yours!

Pirates

Yay!

(Sam opens the basket and peers inside.)

Bob

Are there rubies and diamonds?

Rufus

Are there millions of lovely jubbly dollars?

Sam

There’s nothing in here—but pies!

Kylie

Gold pies?

Sam

I don’t think so.

Captain Scurvy

That’s impossible! My own mother promised me this basket was full of buried treasure.

Hanna

They’re just ordinary pies.

Captain Scurvy

Oh, Mummsie! How could you lie to me?

(Mummsie enters.)

Mummsie

I didn’t lie to you, Sonny. Taste them.

(Pirates each taste a pie.)

Sam

Strawberries

Kylie

Blueberries.

Bob

Boysenberries.

Polly

And girlsenberries.

Mummsie

Yes. Each one is a berried treasure!

Captain Scurvy

Yummsie, Mummsie! These are the best pies in the world!

Mummsie

Now, about the little problem you have in getting new recruits … I might be able to help.

Captain Scurvy

How, Mummsie?

Mummsie

From now on, everyone who joins up as a pirate will be given an eye patch, a build-your-own wooden leg kit, a hot water bottle …

Bob

I love it so far.

Mummsie

And a gift-wrapped box of berried treasures!

Hanna

Amazing!

Rufus

We’ll have people queueing up to be pirates.

Mummsie

One more thing. Our new slogan will be: Become a pirate and sail the seven seas. Become a pirate—pretty please!

(Pirates all clap and cheer.)

Captain Scurvy

Thanks, Mummsie. That sounds wonderful, but do we still get to keep ‘The Pirate Song’?

Mummsie

Oh yes, sonny. I love that song.

Captain Scurvy

Then let’s sing it.

Pirates

Pirates we are and pirates we’ll be,

whether on land or whether on sea.

We’re terribly bad, oh golly and gosh—

we don’t eat greens and we never ever wash.

Hey!

THE END